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Email template to deal with unresponsive employers

What do you want to be when you grow up?

As a young man, my reply was always the same: Darth Vader.

However, in spite of the lack of evil empires to sign up for (the Kim Jong-un regime declined my counter-offer), Im wondering if I shouldnt sometimes revert to my childhood answer when job-hunting, as it may well be the only way to guarantee a response from some companies.

A few months back, I was looking for a job. Using the Liam Neeson job-hunting technique (Trademark pending), which consists of me promoting a very particular set of skills, I sent many applications, all delivered with an effort and attention to detail comparable with hunting down my fictional daughters kidnappers.

Unlike that protagonist, I was unsuccessful in making any meaningful contact, although my urge to wreak vengeance upon the unresponsive hiring managers despite measured, respectful attempts that understood their days only have so many hours, was no less bloodthirsty.

Expressing my frustration to the team, I was encouraged to jot down my thoughts, and behold, I give you an email template that you may use to vent your own frustration after many weeks of the cold shoulder:

Dear [unresponsive employer],

So far the feedback I’ve obtained from you on my application was the same I received from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: NONE AT ALL.

This would be understandable if I was applying to such jobs as: Horse Whisperer, Master of the Flying Guillotine, Airbender, Orphan Annie, Mr. Potato Head, Batman or Stunt Double for Morgan Freeman.

As Ive applied to none of the above, but in fact to [job title in question], I can only assume you are conducting business hours to the Mayan Calendar, and as such are unable to reply because the world ended three years ago.

When one applies for a job, one takes time to update their CV, seek out references and craft targeted cover letters before submitting their application. One would hope for, at the very least, an automated Hello and thank you for your submission. We will be in touch soon if you are selected for an interview.

Even that man who yells at the trees on my road sends me a letter saying as much once a week, despite me being unaware of me applying for any openings he might have.

If you are opening the door to the job market and advertising your intentions to recruit for a role, you must accept the responsibility for fielding and responding to applications.

I can understand how frustrating it must be to post a position on a large jobs board and receive hundreds of unsuitable, unskilled, copy-pasted applications, but perhaps you should seek out a clever marketplace solution that will filter only a handful of studiously-composed applications worthy of your time and consideration. You might LAND yourself a great hire in the process.

My great grandmother used to say, we never know what tomorrow will bring (unusually sage advice from a woman who spent her last years distrusting any blonde woman as a Third Reich sympathiser), but listen up: today I am a candidate. Tomorrow I may well be a potential client, partner, or be in a position to recommend my peers.

Its unlikely Ill have nice words to share in my professional and personal networks about a company that took 87 days to reply to my laboriously-composed job application. Im more likely to warn them to send their first-born to stay with an anonymous distant cousin in the countryside and whisper rumours about pentagrams in the kitchen area before their first job interview.

So please, remember that whilst resources is a most anodyne term, human should evoke in you a sense of responsibility to the people who have devoted significant time and energy to proving their worth to you.

I will find you, I will All the best,

Joo Almeida Silva& Matthew Carrozo

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