I failed miserably!
All this time Ive been struggling with the cash flows.
As the calendar date swipes to December 2nd, Ive to pay my $2500 yearly membership fee.
And my bank account shows $1500. Net.
Ive spent all my savings on buying all the rubbish SaaS products that I didnt even use. That I didnt even need in the first place.
Ive wasted all my time in doing stuff that I was weak at. The time that I could have used to strengthen my strengths.
I cheated the person who I live with and am going to live with for the rest of my life. Myself.
I didnt keep any promises that I made to myself.
I didnt commit to my commitments.
I let fear overtake my ability to think. To do. To step forward. To take massive action.
Although I am blessed to live with my parents. I have no bills and rents haunting me.
But I can still hear some whisper in the silence. The silence in the ear-numbing noisy world. When the time stands still.
I dont know what it is. Ive no name for it.
Maybe its the vacuum within. The loneliness.
Or maybe the fear of the unknown.
The fear of being miserable once again.
Whatever it is, its consuming me up.
Im too vulnerable.
In these last twelve months my room has witnessed several episodes of sobbing. Sometimes ugly cries.
Like, super intense, gut wrenching, breathless fits of crying like a freaking toddler.
Those quivering lips, the throbbing veins in my forehead, the burning, scarlet flush across my cheeks and nose, water streaming through my nostrils and the horrible tone of my voice.
But for some reason Im not cursing those moments of despair.
For it is in those moments of misery that I found my lost self.
It taught me how to embrace my dark side.
How to fall in love with my incomplete self.
To accept my flawed existence.
The one thing that I want you to take-away is to
Its something that took me months, in fact, years to soak in.
I know it takes courage, and I mean tons of courage, to forgive people who have wronged you. Who have hurt you along the way.
Who knows better than me?
But learn the skill of forgiveness.
Not for them but for yourself.
For its in that moment when you decide to forgive that your healing begins.
It is the only door to liberate your soul.
To kiss the taste of success.
Although I still not willing to forgive the man who hurt me the most.
Not for him.
Not for the universe.
But for myself.
To dim that darkness within.
To light up my soul and burst the shadows that never seem to go.
Ive heard somebody say,
Everything is okay at the end. If its not okay, its not the end.
Im not ready to give up.
Im not prepared to quit.
For I believe its not the end.
Its the cracking of a new dawn.
Just like every single morning in the last three sixty five mornings, today once again, I pick myself up, dust myself off and inch myself forward towards happiness.
Its never too late.
Indeed, its not.
As I take a deep breath and stare at the powder blue skies, I see the sun still shining bright at me.