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cbloom rants: 05-10-15 - Did I ever mention that I fucking hate the fucking web-

(I might be a bit cranky today. Too much work and not enough sex. I should probably just go to a bar and talk about how I love Obama and taxes so I can get in a fight. Instead I'll rage about the fucking web.)

I'm trying to get together the photos of my baby to share with my mom. What a fucking nightmare. They're mostly on my phone, and auto-backed up to Google Photos. Should be easy, right?

The Google Photos web interface is fucking wrist-slashing insanity. It's SO FUCKING SLOW. It should not take so long to show me a few little thumbnails. Fucking quit all the fucking AJAX fancy bullshit whatever the fuck you're fucking doing oh my god.

It always only wants to show me "highlights". Who told you to fucking do that? I have never highlighted anything so I'm not sure how you decided what was a highlight and what wasn't. You fucking dicks.

Simple shit like making an album and trying to put the correct photos in the album just has no decent workflow. FUCK.

So I'm going to just download them and do it on my computer. Fine.

There's no download all. I'm supposed to what, click each fucking one and download? (which is a frustrating nightmare because the click is some super slow awful web popup).

Okay, I can use Google Takeouts to just get the whole thing. Hmm. Why are my photos fucking 8 GB? Oh, because it's giving me all my videos too. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I just want the photos not the videos. Nope, Takeouts gives you everything.

Okay, I'll just download the 8 GB. Oh awesome the download the failed. Oh awesome it failed again.

Okay, I'll get the download URL and give it to DownloadThemAll which is good and can do resumes and so on and the main reason I cling to Firefox.

NOPE the fucking download link is not an actual file it's some fucking redirect login bullshit that DTA can't handle. ARG ARG ARG.

And now fuck my fucking baby photos and fuck my mom (sorry mom) I'm not fucking dealing with this shit and I fucking hate the fucking web god dammit.

For some time I've been using Google Classic Maps ("https://maps.google.com/maps?output=classic&dg=opt"). And now it's been killed. Maybe I'll switch to Bing? Or fuck that. Maybe I should just buy a good set of paper maps. I'm not sure that even exists any more. Ever since the Thomas Guide switched to computer-generated maps they really suck, they're ugly and the layout is no good and hard to read.

The reason I saw on the web for killing it (Google Classic Maps) was that too many people were opting out of new maps. You killed it because people liked it. I don't know if that's true, but it is awesomely in character.

For a while I was on the Google Forums complaining about Blogger. Just about everyone who runs a blog at some point gets a troll and realizes that they need the ability to just ban an individual. Can't do it. So they go on the Google product forum and say hey can we get black listing and white listing? The Google response was "we know you want that, and fuck you".

REMINDER TO SELF : always download all the images made by Google Charts because that service will die at some point. (this would be good practice even if Google didn't randomly chop off its own limbs on a regular basis)

I don't keep any cookies or browse history. With everyone going to fucking two-phase login this is starting to get annoying. To login I now have to get a text code to my phone and enter that. It's tedious.

But the thing that really kills me is this stupid detail :

I get the numeric code sent to me. I go to Google Voice on my computer (because actually ever touching the phone is to be avoided at all cost). I double-click the number to copy it. I paste it in the two-phase entry.

It fails. Wrong code.

I try again. It fails.

The fucking double-click is selecting the space after the number, and the fucking login doesn't ignore the trailing space. It's lazy bad programmer shit like that which makes me furious.

Another one I hit often is using online payment thingies. I'll copy-paste the amount from my bill, something like "$1,234" and hit okay and I get

"invalid entry, please enter a numeric value"

IT's A FUCKING PAYMENT ENTRY BOX. You can fucking strip the leading $ and commas you piece of shit mother fucking asshole terrible programmers.

I'm trying to login to Skype on my phone.

(side note: summary of every Skype sessions I've ever had : "I can see you, can you see me? I can't hear you. Oh, you're upside down. Let me log off and disconnect. Now you're black. Try again. It's real glitchy, let's restart it. Hey, it's working! Hi! Hi! Okay, gotta go now.")

It says login with your skype account or your microsoft account.

So I tediously enter my microsoft account login which has a password like fucking @#$ASD@!#$<:22 and="" is="" fucking="" awful="" to="" type="" starred="" out="" you="" fucks="" the="" fuck=""> Skype says "oh, it looks like you entered a microsoft account, redirecting..."

And it pops up a new login page WITH BLANK FUCKING ENTRIES. I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE COLON.

I'm so fucking sick of loading web pages and seeing "connecting to blah.. connecting to blah.." and seeing shit popping in slowly and reflowing and the focus popping and all this fucking shit.

Hey, fucking remedial loading school. You put all the content needed for the page in one package. Send me the one package. BOOM it loads.

Incremental is bullshit.

Back in the 90's some time, I worked for Eclipse on streaming 3d for the web. One of the things I did was a progressive wavelet image compressor so we could do things like send the first 5k of each image, then the next 10k, and because of the truncation property of bitplane-coded wavelets those were good low quality versions of the image that could just be tacked together.

So we tried to test it and demo it.

Everything just instantly loaded and you couldn't see the progressive wavelet load at all.

Because if you're not a fucking moron and you package together your content and just have a single download bundle to get your content, hey the internet is actually really fucking fast (even back in the 90's !!).

To show it off I put in a bunch of fake delays on the downloader to simulate slow hosts, so that you could see the wavelets gradually getting better, and that's what we showed to VC's or whatever.

I guess I could have just taken all the files and scattered them on different hosts around the world, THE WAY FUCKING NORMAL WEB PAGES DO. It's like they have very carefully gone through this process of intentionally slowing down the internet for no reason.

Sometimes I wish that I was like an air-cooled Porsche mechanic or something very stable and non-computer related, so I could just work away in my shop and not have to ever touch this fucking demon box.

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