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Interview with JavaScript

Let’s imagine what would happen, if JavaScript was a human interviewed by a random news reporter.

Reporter: You are turning 20. Do you feel happy about your life?

JavaScript: Not really. Things change fast and I’m not sure if I follow. I feel lonely too.

You must be kidding us. You’re one of the most popular people on this planet.

Yeah, but it’s not that easy. Life was better for me maybe 10-15 years ago, when I was only a kid. People treated me like a child and this is indeed who I was at the time. Now I think I’m having some sort of an identity crisis. I don’t feel either a guy or gal. Actually my life is ruled by my daddy and a group of his friends. My buddies from Python College told me once that I must feel kinda like a slave of my master.

What do you mean?

Well, you know. I think I lack self-confidence. My world is ruled by my dad. We even have a special room in our house. My dad named it TC39 (it has even a special doorplate). Once a month he invites a group of his best friends and they debate my future there. What kind of clothes I need, shall I behave more classy or not. They completely destructure my life. I always hear promises that it would end nearly, but I’m at 20 now and they do promise even more, but nothing happens next.

They often disappoint me. Some time ago I needed a hammer to fix my desk. I couldn’t find any in the box, however I was lucky enough to have a piece of metal and a wooden haft so I would easily build something. And what they did? They told me I had to get a new one from a hardware shop.

Or they keep telling me I should eat more sugar, even though it seems to be unhealthy. And stories like that.

I can’t believe what we are hearing now…

Sadly, it’s false. Oh, sorry, I still tend to forget. Of course I meant it’s true. They seem to have fun doing that. They tell dirty jokes, drink beer and stuff like that. These meetings can last days. Honestly, I don’t know everything, because they always close the door and after each meeting my dad just brings to my mom the meeting notes and sticks them to the fridge.

Isn’t she jealous of what’s happening there?

Would you be jealous because your husband meets up with 20 males?

Perhaps not. 20 you say?

Maybe more. 20 it’s not a number I particularly had in mind. Sometimes it’s less or more. I don’t care, whatever. They always talk about me after all.

And my mom actually feels better about it as time goes by, since these meetings helped my father focus on what’s important. Back in days he managed our family budget and wasn’t good at it. Money got burnt quickly on some unknown organizations.

Do you like your dad’s friends?

Well, some of them for sure. I like Alex, he always teaches me fancy British words. Doug is awesome, even though he tells me I should act more like his older grandchildren. On the other hand, it’s hard to like Ugle’s family. They sometimes pretend they know better and force everyone else to think alike. My dad is not a fan of them, because they want to end TC39 meetings and become the only one body who can make decisions about my future.

We now see what you have to feel…

Yeah. Something is wrong when 20 males decide about you.

Do you have friends that can support you?

I used to, but now I spend time on my own. I had a friend called jQuery. He was a nice guy. We had a lot in common. However, he wasn’t frank and acted jealously. Some day I heard he introduced himself at a party as „hi, I’m JavaScript”. And it started. People got crazy about him and did call him JavaScript. I couldn’t stand it. I blocked him on Twitter and told daddy he can’t mention him at conferences.

Has anyone tried to help you out?

I remember John Dart was one of those who wanted to give me a hand. He was telling me: Don’t listen to them, if you want to quit and start a new life please know you can always count on me. I can replace you, I love when somebody tells me what to do. I know that Angus Larsson (a friend of John) was also supportive. On the other hand, there was a bunch of rich people advising me I should change my name to „TypeScript”, buy a house in Seattle, and marry my best friend from high school.

There must be a bright side of your life too…

I read reddit and check Hacker News every day. I like making jokes about semicolons too.

Are you going to do something about that all, change it?

I’m not sure. My plans are undefined at the moment.

This article is a satire and may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways.

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